Chemo today..... Hawaii tomorrow

I never thought we'd be taking Brielle to Hawaii.

But

I also never thought I'd be living with metastatic breast cancer.

I never thought we'd have an only child.

It's easy to see the highlights in people's lives, while not fully comprehending all the layers they are living with. As I've been sharing with people that our little family of 3 is going to Hawaii. I naturally get a lot of, "Oh wow!" "Amazing" "I'm jealous!"

These are all the same responses I'd probably give too. But like with any story, there's a depth to "We're going to Hawaii" that leaves me with so many emotions every time I utter those words.

We're going to Hawaii! Thanks to an absolutely amazing non profit, Ally's Wish, who grants memories for young mommas with metastatic/terminal cancers.

I didn't know how to share this, and honestly I was quiet most of January as I processed it myself.

I was nominated and contacted this past summer. I avoided the reachouts for months. Ironically, they followed up again the same day I was at the Mayo Clinic for my PET scan. I took that as a sign that maybe I was worthy of this trip. I got on a call with them the next day to start dreaming and to hear the reassurance that this was a gift they wanted to fill for my family and me.

I'm finding lately that writing in poem style helps me process and communicate all my emotions. So here goes.

"But"

I know I'm worthy

but

Deep down do I know that? I can't help but think of all my stage 4 friends that didn't get this opportunity.

I know I should be ecstatic, and I am

but

I also question if I'm sharing enough with Brielle as she gets older. She knows we're going because I have cancer, but that's the extent we've talked about.

I'm so very happy for my family

but

I am also processing extra grief for all the mommas that died too early. And the beautiful kiddos that are missing their mommas.

I know we will have so much fun and make amazing memories

but

I will also find a way to pay it forward. To support Ally's Wish and to share this experience with not only our little family of 3.

Once again, I'm reminded of the complexity of life

but

I will not let it steal my joy or gratitude

Forever Grateful,

Janell

♥️♥️♥️

After writing this I looked back at a text conversation I had with an amazing friend a few weeks ago. I hadn't read it since that day.

But

it left an imprint on my heart. Here are her words that bring me to tears every time I read them (shared with approval):

But, your gratitude alone makes you worthy. I know you will find the words and I will read the post one day and cry. Not out of sadness, but out of your ability to be in the moment, face adversity, ground yourself, and share with others. I may only empathize in your journey, but I follow it and truly learn.