15 Years ago today, I received the phone call telling me I had cancer. In many ways, I was still a baby. We were ready to start a family, but instead, I started chemo.
Holding my baby, heavy on my chest
Along with more mixed emotions
Than I knew how to express
Looking back now
I still feel her
And everything else that I held
My wish is that my book
Will hold that space for others
As they experience life --
The hard and beautiful moments.
At the same moment that I snapped this picture with my baby, I used my phone to write the poem “Stage 4 Ocean”. This poem can be found....
I look back at the past few weeks with a full heart at how great it feels to have my book in the world.
I waited patiently for the first copies to show up on my doorstep. I had envisioned this moment for years, what it would feel like to hold my words in my hands. The books were finally delivered......
It's hard to believe all of these clinic memories were posted on September 22nd throughout the past 8 years.
Today I looked back at that memory from 8 years ago...
my baby just a toddler......
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I've had a lot of people, who are also going through chemotherapy treatments, tell me they don't know how I do this. I wanted to share a bit about my world so you can possibly see a different perspective.....
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Have you experienced times in your life when the stars seem to align and life starts unfolding like the clothes falling out of a laundry basket? Where you thought you knew how life was going to go, but all of a sudden there’s a detour onto an exciting new path? ......
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"Dream as if you'll live forever
Live as is you will not see tomorrow"
~Jared J
I can honestly say, 3 years ago, I wasn't able to live out this quote. With my health circumstances, I found myself worrying a lot about my future. Wondering how many years of living I had left......
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Here I sit on the floor in my living room, trying to process the past 20 years, trying to grasp order and structure to the events in my life. I’m surrounded by my computer, personal journals, index cards, sticky notes, and my favorite felt tip pens in probably 15 different colors. The scenes are scattered about with themes and threads weaving over and through the 50,000 words I’ve written.
I stop to wonder why I’m always drawn to working at the kitchen table or in this, the adjoining living room.
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I never thought we'd be taking Brielle to Hawaii.
But
I also never thought I'd be living with metastatic breast cancer.
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11/10/09 made me a stronger person.
13 years ago today was when I picked up that phone call.
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Keeping it Real:
I share a lot about wins and what's been working for me.
To be honest though, November has been a TOUGH start.
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Below is an excerpt from a journal I kept and shared with my family/friends after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This particular post was written after I found out my cancer had metastasized.
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Today is a big day for me. SEVEN years ago I got the call.
The 2nd call -- more than 5 years after the 1st time I had heard the words "you have cancer".
Here’s a glimpse into the past few days for me:
Standing in our kitchen, I hold on tighter and seconds longer than a “normal” hug. I first hug Brielle, then Brian. Brian squeezes tighter too. “I’ll be thinking of you, babe. I hope your scans go well.” The tone of his voice tells me we’re both thinking the same thing.
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